The Best Coaching Question
The Best Coaching Question
As a guest on Mike Vera’s Podcast Healthy & Awake (https://mikevera.com/healthy-%26-awake-podcast) I was surprised to be asked “What’s your favorite question to use in coaching?” For a brief moment I was puzzled by the question, then I immediately said
“What are you aware of right now?”
When my client connects with emotion of any kind, we, as coaches, often will ask “How does that make you feel?” For some clients that allows them to share their feelings at that moment more easily since the coach inquired and essentially gave the client permission to talk about feelings. For other clients though, I’ve found that “How does that make you feel?” throws up a kind of roadblock.
Your client is experiencing emotion yet are they okay with
- Making contact with that emotion themselves?
- Sharing it with someone else, or even admitting to having a feeling?
For some people the territory of feelings and emotions is laden with conflicting concerns. ‘If I enter that territory, will I be revealing too much about myself?’ ‘ Or will I be shattering an image of self-control that I want to maintain?’
If we ask, “What are you thinking right now?” you immediately direct your client to go with the cognitive rather than the affective. That may be a valid direction at times, but when the context is more affective you have just allowed your client a way to avoid talking about feelings.
Staying More Neutral
When we ask, “What are you aware of right now?” it is much more neutral and very client-centered. It is entirely up to the client to go with their awareness – no matter what that is. They are invited to tune into themselves in whatever way seems to rise to the surface with the most immediacy. They can choose to go affective or cognitive.
Asking “What are you aware of right now?” invites your client to go more somatic as well. Hearing that question, clients may scan over their bodies and notice how they are feeling physically. “My jaw. It seems kind of tight.” “My stomach feels weird, sort of queasy.” We can gently continue to explore the somatic experience with our client as the coaching continues.
Connecting with Insights
When a client shares with me all of the things that they have been coping with lately, or all of the items of their overloaded to-do list, rather than begin to engage in problem solving, I will often simply ask “So hearing yourself list all of those things, what are you aware of right now?” At that point my client will often let out a long breath, or suddenly take in a sharp one, and say something that reveals what they are really feeling – “I’m just overwhelmed!” “I’m really scared!” “I’m just disheartened.” “I’ worried.” And so on. Once in contact more directly with their feelings it often leads to an insight. “Now I realize how overextended I am.” “I’m simply doing too much for other people and not enough for myself!” “I thought I was just angry, but now I see that I’m actually resentful.”
Awareness
I can trace learning the question “What are you aware of right now?” to the influence of my professional training as a Gestalt Therapist.
“The most important goal of Gestalt Therapy is that Gestalt Therapists do not aim to change their clients. The therapist’s role is to assist clients in developing their own self-awareness of how they are in the present moment. This will therefore allow them to rectify issues affecting his or her life.” (https://www.counsellingconnection.com/index.php/2007/10/16/gestalt-therapy/)
The question almost always seems to bring the client into the present, the here and now, rather than the past or being concerned about the future. This allows me to work with my client to focus on content that is within their grasp. They can literally get their hands on it and work with it, not just speculate (future) or regret (past).
When your client connects with their awareness and shares a feeling they are experiencing, reflect that feeling back to them. (Active Listening Skill - Reflection of Feeling) Help them to name it. As they process it, a way forward will most likely emerge.
Simplicity
Questions don’t have to be complicated or birthed from terrible effort. Sometimes keeping it simple works best. There’s nothing like the present moment.
To read more about awareness and coaching see Chapter Three in Masterful Health & Wellness Coaching: Deepening Your Craft (https://wholeperson.com/store/masterful-health-and-wellness-coaching.html)
“Reality is nothing but the sum of all awareness
as you experience it here and now.”
-Frederick S.(Fritz) Perls
Michael Arloski, Ph.D., PCC, NBC-HWC is CEO and Founder of Real Balance Global Wellness – a world leader in health and wellness coach training (https://realbalance.com/). Doctor Arloski is a pioneering architect of the field of health and wellness coaching. He and his company have trained thousands of coaches around the world.
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